#it's my profile picture on xbox and a friend in voice chat asked that and i went '....oh you're talking to ME

[emmavakarian-theirin]

you've heard of

"is that jesus"

"is that hozier"

got asked today "is that gerard butler?"

[straugirl]

Tonight I took the opportunity (I was reassuring Alex that he was attractive) to mention Tinder. We had talked about him downloading it to meet people to go explore with and when he came back from his business trip in September, I was dumb and scared and checked his phone once and saw that he had the activation texts from tinder, however the app was deleted. He also deleted the entire conversation he had with Bo. This made me feel sick and I convinced myself that he must have just deleted the app because he didn't want to meet anyone and he deleted the messages with Bo because he was embarrassed and upset that he couldn't get the tattoos. The fact that facebook has autodelete in chat worries me. (I am currently shivering just recollecting all this). Obviously Alex has body image issues and he had no money and just ordered food over lieferando and co so it is very unlikely that he saw anyone. However, I know he is a handsome man and he has a really sexy back and shoulders and strong arms. His eyes are alluring and he has that cool and quietness about him that just pulls you in. Despite the bit of a dadbod he has (which is super sexy btw), I see him like my walking romance cover hero. I could swoon over him for hours. He was the first boyfriend I could show ANY picture of to others because he is that attractive. So of course I believe it to be realistic for other girls to want him. The ONLY thing I like about his body image issues is that it reassures me that he doesn't feel sexy enough to have sex. BUT maybe it's just anxiety? Apparently he was less anxious on his trip so maybe he also felt sexier or maybe he thought "i dont care because i will never see this person again" and maybe their coming on to him made him feel sexy?! This is not productive for me to think about. Either way, I asked him something like "didn't you download tinder to meet new people while [travelling]?" and his voice got a little weird and hesitant and HE DENIED IT. He flat out denied downloading tinder. Had he downloaded it and not found anything he would have said that right? Nothing embarrassing about not being interested in meeting people. Nothing embarrassing about downloading the app and deleting it. But no. He lied. So either he just lied for no reason or he lied because he was embarrassed that he didnt get matched with anyone (i saw he saved his picture from school and i'm sure he used that picture for his profile - it was a group of guys so maybe he didnt get any matches because girls dont like group fotos? idk) but i highly doubt that. Or he didnt get any matches because he stated that he was only looking for someone to tour the city with and not actually date and nobody was interested in that. Still, WHY LIE TO ME?! I'm his wife. I'm his best friend. Right? Am I? The only other option is that he did meet girls and he is avoiding the subject because he doesnt want to talk about it. Nonetheless, his heartrate increased. He then started saying he was hungry and went out to eat snacks but he ate all his pretzels last night and then we had a small fight about that. So either he was actually hungry and actually upset that i didn't buy a crap ton of pretzels. Or he was just upset that he had no pretzels. Although it seemed very clear that he was upset at me. I have a feeling that him lying made him uncomfortable and to cope with that uncomfort, he eats and watches tv. I am sometimes scared that our entire relationship is him just using his coping mechanisms to cope with being with me. Am I hurting him? Is it just his past trauma? Or did he actually cheat on me? Did he cheat on me more than once? In Canada? The nurses? He lied about his truck. He lied about his nhl coin usage (Alex, in case you are reading this, I did look through your entire purchase history on the xbox starting when we started talking and you spent 11,000$ on nhl19) I have all the numbers saved on a separate tumblr account. It's not for me to hold it against him. I can hear him in my head saying that I bottle it up and use it against him. But no.